Accountant

 Why doesn't this shit add up?

Acupuncturist

 Hold still or it will hurt like shit.

Acupuncturist

 Let all that shit go.

Acupuncturist

 This will really get the energy shit moving.

Agnosticism

 Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Agnosticism

 Nobody knows why shit happens.

Agnosticism

 How can we KNOW if shit happens?

Agnosticism

 I don't know shit!

Agnosticism

 It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.

Agnosticism

 What is this shit?!

Agnosticism

 You can't prove any of this shit!

Americanism

 Who gives a shit?

Amish

 Shit is good for the soil.

Amish

 This modern shit is worthless.

Anagramism

 This Shit Hits! (It’s “H”)    [Hilmar]

Anglicanism

 It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Applied Mathematics

 The probability of shit happening approaches unity.

Archimedes

 Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.

Archimedes

 Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?

Aristotle

 The essence of shittyness...

Armstrong

 This is just a little shit. But this is a great shit of mankind.

Artist

 Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.

Artist

 If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.

Artist

 Shit, I wish I thought of that.

Asceticism

 If shit happens, renounce it.

Atheism

 I don't believe this shit!

Atheism

 Shit just happens and that's all there is to it.

Atheism

 I don't believe this shit! 

Atheism

 It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.

Atheism

 No shit!

Atheism

 Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.

Atheist

 I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.

Avoidanceism

 With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.

Aztec

 Cut out this shit!

Baha’i

 It's all the same shit.

Bahaism

 Why do you keep shitting on us?

Baker

 Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?

Banzai, Backaroo

 No matter where shit happens, there you are.

Baptism

 Say Hallelujah to the shit.

Baptist

 We'll wash the shit right off you.

Baptist

 You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.

BASIC

 It's shit.

Behaviorism

 You are conditioned to having shit happen.

Biblical Creationism

 Shit happens because God created it.

Biologist

 Is this shit alive?

Bohlenism (Dieter Bohlen) 

 Shit is Pille-Palle, isn't it?!

Botanist

 What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.

Branch Davidianism

 David thinks he's hot shit.

Branch Davidianism

 If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...

Branch Davidianism

 May shit happen to the FBI!

Buddhism

 If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Buddhism

 Shit happens, but pay no mind.

Buddhism

 If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Buddhism

 Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.

Bundy, Al

 This is shit. This is shit when you get married and drop the shit on the ground.

Bureaucracy

 I don't care if shit happens as long as you fill out the forms.

Bush

 Read my lips no more shit!

Bush

 This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.

Bush

 This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.

Bush

 Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.

C

 It's shit, but it's efficient.

Calvinism

 Shit that doesn't stink is a sign of being saved.

Calvinism

 Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Cannibalism

 Don't eat the shit.

Capitalism

 Let's profit from shit happening.

Capitalism

 If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.

Capitalism

 Shit happens, and it'll cost you!

Capitalism

 That's MY shit. 

Cargo Cult

 A barge will come and take all the shit away.

Cartesianism

 Shit happens to me, therefore I exist.

Cat

 Dogs are shit.

Cat

 I do not do inelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in the corner. It is the dog's.

Cat

 Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.

Cat

 Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?

Catholicism

 Shit happens because you are bad.

Catholicism

 If shit happens, you deserved it.

Catholicism

 You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

CEO

 (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.

CEO

 (1990's) Oooh, SHIT!

Charismatic Catholicism

 Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Chauvinism

 We may be shit, but you can't live without us... 

Chef

 It needs some more of this green shit.

Chemist

 Damn this shit smells...

Chemist

 Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!

Chemist

 I hope this shit doesn't blow up.

Christian Science

 If shit happens, pretend it doesn't really exist.

Christian Science

 When shit doesn't happen, don't call a doctor - pray.

Christian Science

 Our shit will take care of itself.

Christian Science

 Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.

Christian Science

 Shit happens in your mind.

Christian Science

 When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray.

Christianity

 … stole half its shit from us

Classical Physics

 Shit does not 'happen', it just moves around.

Clinton

 I didn't inhale this shit.

Clinton

 I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....

Cobol

 It's shit, but it's job security.

Commercialism

 Let's package this shit. 

Communism

 Equal shit happens to all people.

Communism

 It's everybody's shit.

Computer Science

 All shit can in principle happen on a Turing Machine.

Computer Science

 There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Confucianism

 Confucius say: "Shit happens".

Confucianism

 Confucius says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."

Congregationalist

 Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another. 

Conservatism

 They don't make even shit happen like they used to.

Cray

 If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't NEED a supercomputer...

Creation Science

 Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.

Creationism

 ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.

Creationism

 God made all shit. 

Cubism

 If shit happens, you won't recognize it.

Cultural Relativism

 Shit happens everywhere differently.

Cynicism

 Of course shit happens.

Darwinism

 Survival of the shittiest.

Dave

 Oh my god! It's full of shit!

Dean

 Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Deism

 Shit just happens.

Denialism

 What shit?

Descartes

 I shit, therefore I am.

Descartes

 I think, so why am I in this shit?

Developer

 Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance programmers.

Dianetics

 Your mother gave you shit before your were born.

Dianetics

 "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

Diplomacy

 Let's pretend shit doesn't happen.

Discordianism

 Some funny shit happened to me today.

Discordianism

 Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.

Divorcism

 He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.

Divorcism

 She's full of shit!

Divorcism

... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!

Doctor

 Take two shits and call me in the morning.

Doctor

 Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...

Dog

 All I do is eat, sleep and shit.

Dog

 I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.

Dog

 Oh shit, I caught it!

Dog

 When I catch a car, it will shit!

Dualism

 If you can shit, it isn't shit.

Dyslexia

 Tihs happens.

Ecology

 If organic shit happens, it's OK.

Economics

 Shit happens because there's a great demand for it.

Economist

 I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Einsteinism

 God does not play shit with the universe.

Einsteinism

 Shit is Relative.

Emacs

 Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.

Employee

 I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?

Employee

 This shit's not part of my contract.

Employer

 Shit happens, and rolls down hill.

Employer

 You may only shit during coffee breaks.

Energizer Bunny

 Shit happens and happens and happens and ...

Engineer

 I hope this shit holds together.

Engineering

 When shit happens, paint over.

Environmentalism

 Shit is biodegradable.

Epicureanism

 Let's party while shit doesn't happen.

Epicurus

 If shit happens, enjoy it.

Episcopalian

 It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it. 

Episcopalianism

 How Dare Shit Happen?

Episcopalianism

 If shit happens, hold a procession.

Est

 If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.

EST

 I am at cause that shit will not happen.

EST

 You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

Existentialism

 Shit doesn't happen; shit is.

Existentialism

 Shit happening is absurd.

Farmer

 I get subsidies for my shit.

Fascism

 Shit makes the trains run on time.

Fatalism

 Oh shit, it's going to happen!

Feminism

 Women demand to have shit happen

Feminism

 Men are shit. 

Fetishism

 I love it when shit happens.

Fish

 All I do is eat, swim and shit.

Fish

 Always the same dried shit for dinner?

Flowism

 Shit happens, so flow with it.

Forteanism

 No shit??

Fortran

 It's shit, but I don't know any better.

Freudianism

 If shit happens, it's your mother's fault.

Freudianism

 Shit is a phallic symbol.

Fundamentalism

 Shit happens, but don't publish it.

Fundamentalism

 There's no shit in the Bible.

Fundamentalism

 If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!) 

Fundamentalism

 If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay. 

Fundamentalism

 Shit must be born again. 

Gagarin

 Shit was blue.

Galileo

 They say shit never happened. But shit is still happening.

Gnosticism

 I know why shit happens but won't tell you.

God

 Holy Shit!

Greek Orthodox

 Shit happens, usually in threes.

Gremlins

 Don't shit after 12 o'clock.

HAL

 Dave, I'm in Deep Shit.

HAL

 Dr. Chandra, will I shit?

Hare Krishna

 Shit Happens, Shit Shit Happens Happens, Shit Happens, Rama Rama.

Hare Krishna

 Please this flower and buy our shit.

Hare Krishna

 She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)

Hasidism

 Shit never happens the same way twice.

Hedonism

 There's nothing like good shit happening.

Hedonism

 There's nothing quite like a good shit.

Heisenbergism

 Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.

Hinduism

 This shit happened in my last life too.

Hinduism

 This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.

Historian

 The same shit happens again and again.

Holistic Physics

 If shit happens, it happens everywhere at once.

Hopi

 Corn fertilizer happens.

IBM/DOS

 It's shit, but it's compatible.

Idolism

 Let's bronze this shit. 

Impressionism

 From a distance, shit looks like a garden. 

Iraqi Baathist

 Oh shit!

IRS Auditor

 I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

James Tiberius Kirk

 ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

Jehovah's Witnesses

 Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Jehovah's Witnesses

 Here, we insist you take our shit.

Jehovah's Witnesses

 Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."

Jehovah's Witnesses

 Shit happens door to door.

Jehovah's Witnesses

 There is only a limited amount of good shit.

Jehovah's Witnesses

 May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit? 

Jehovah's Witnesses

 Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening. 

Jehova's Witnesses

 Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.

Jehova's Witnesses

 No shit happens until Armageddon.

Jesuitism

 If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?

John Paul Jones

 I have not yet begun to shit.

Judaism

 Why does this shit always happen to us?

Judaism

 Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Julius Caesar

 I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)

Kennedy

 Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country.

Kennedy, J.F.

 Ich bin ein Scheisser.

Kibology

 What's shit, and where can I get some?

King, M.L.

I have a shit.

Lawyer

 For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Leibniz (by Voltaire)

 The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

Liberalism

 Shit shouldn't happen tomorrow.

Lincoln

 Four score and seven shits ago...

Linguist

 What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers feces tauri = the excrement of a bull)

Lutheranism

 Have faith in shit.

Lutheranism

 Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Macintosh

 (Enough said)

Mafia boss

 Rub the little shits out.

Martin Luther King

 Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...

Martin Luther King

 I have a shit...

Marxism

 Dictatorship of the shit.

Marxism

 The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.

Masochism

 Do shit to ME.

Materialism

 Whoever dies with the most shit wins.

Mathematician

 Shit happening is just a special case...

McCarthyism

 Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

Mcfly, Marty

 Don't ever never call me shit

Mechanic

 Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.

Medicine

 If shit happens, take two Aspirins and call me in the morning.

Methodist

 It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it. 

Microcomputing

 If shit happens, we'll fix it in the next version.

Moilanenism

 Smells like shit of finnish fish.

Moonies

 Only happy shit really happens.

Mormonism

 Shit happens in both the old world and the new world.

Mormonism

 Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)

Mormonism

 Hey, there's more shit happening over here!

Mormonism

 If shit happens, shun it.

Mormonism

 Our shit is better than your shit.

Mormonism

 Shit happens again & again & again ...

Mormonism

 God sent us this shit. 

Musician

 This shit is out of tune.

Mysticism

 This is really weird shit.

Mysticism-1

 Just experience shit happening.

Mysticism-2

 What weird shit!

Nation of Islam

 Don't take no shit!

Native Americans

 Shit is sacred when it happens.

Neil Armstrong

 One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.

New Age

 Visualize shit not happening.

New Age

 A firm shit does not happen to me.

New Age

 For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

New Age

 I create my own shit.

New Age

 If shit happens, honor it and share it.

New Age

 Sheeeeeeeeeeit!

New Age

 That's not shit, it's feldspar.

New Age

 This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.

New Age

 We’re all part of the same shit.

Nietzsche

 If shit never happened, men will create shit.

Nihilism

 Who needs this shit?

Nihilism

 Let's blow this shit up!

Nixon

 Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know anything about it.

Nudism

 Clothes happen …

NYC Cab Driver

 Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

Objectivism

 Our shit is good for you.

Occultism

 Shit materializes from other planes of existence.

Optimism

 If shit happens, we'll find a way to use it.

Orthodox

 St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

PaganismNuclear Physics

 Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

Parapsychology

 Shit happens without material causes.

Pascal

We are just shit. But we are thinking shit.

Patriotism

 Our shit is better than your shit.

Perot

 I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.

Pessimism

 If shit happens, there won't be enough for everybody.

Physicist (Experimental)

 To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Physicist (Theoretical)

 Shit SHOULD happen.

Platonism

 There is ideal shit happening somewhere.

Poet

 My childhood was shit, let me share.

Poet

 My love is like a red, red shit.

Poet

 Ode to a Grecian Shit.

Poet

 ... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...

Political Correctness

 Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological output happens.

Politician

 If you elect me, shit will never again happen.

Politician

 It's shit, but it'll get me elected.

Politician

 My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.

Politician

 Shit happening is bad for the economy.

Politics

 If shit happens, make a deal with it.

Pollyanism

 It's so nice that shit happens!

Practical

 Deal with shit one day at a time. 

Presbyterian

 This shit was bound to happen. 

Procrastinationism

 I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

Programmer

 It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Protestantism

 Shit happens cause you don't work hard enough.

Protestantism

 If shit happens, it happens to someone else.

Protestantism

 If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Psychoanalysis

 Shit happens because of your toilet training.

Psychologist

 Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Purism

 If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

Puritanism

 S** can happen all day as long as you don't call it that.

Quaker

 Let's not fight over this shit.

Quality Control Inspector

 This shit ain't good enough.

Quantum Physics

 Shit happens but you can't say both where and when.

Quantum Physics

 Shit happens in discrete quanta called shitons.

Quantum Shittydynamics

 Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

Quayle

 Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?

Rabbit, Jessica

 I'm not shit. I'm just drawn that way

Rajhneesh

 Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

Rastafarianism

 Let's smoke this shit.

Rastafarianism

 Hey, this is good shit, man.

Reagan

 Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.

Reagan, Nancy

 Just say shit happend.

Reagan, Ronald

 I don't recall if shit happed.

Reaganism

 Don't move; the shit will trickle down.

Relativism

 at light speed shit happens for ever (at least if you're staying behind).

Realism

 I think I need to take a shit.

Reform Judaism

 Got any laxatives?

Repressionism

 I'll hold this shit in forever.

Right-Wing Protestantism

 Let this shit happen to someone else.

Robocop

 Please stay out of deep shit

Robotics, 1st Law of

 Robotics should not shit or let shit come to happen.

Rosicrucianism

 What is this AMORC shit?

Russel

 90% of everything is shit.

Saddam

 The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least I'm still in power.

Sadism

 I will shit on you!

Sartre

 Shit is meaningless!

Sartre

 What is shit, anyway?

Satanism

 We hope bad shit happens to all of you.

Satanism

 We will make your shit happen.

Satanism

 SNEPPAH TIHS. 

Schröder, Gerhard

 There was a 50% chance shit happened. And now there is a 22 % chance shit happened again.

Schrödinger

 There's 50% chance shit happened. And 50% chance it didn't.

Scientific Obscurantism

 Amorphous excrement does occur in given cases.

Scientific Reductionism

 If shit happens, find out what kind exactly.

Scientology

 Shit happens if you're on our shit list.

Scientology

 Extraterrestrials brought the shit.

Scientology

 All this happens to be shit.

Scientology

 If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.

Scientology

 If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157. 

Secular Humanism

 Shit happens because it evolved from primitive shit.

Secular Humanism

 Shit evolves.

Seeing your Mother-in-law

 Relatives are Shit.

Seldon, Hari

 Each shit is random. But mob of shit is predicable.

Seventh Day Adventist

 No shit on Saturdays.

Shakespeare

 To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.

Shamanism

 Whoaa...Holy Shit!

Shintoism

 Shit is everywhere.

Shintoism

 You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

Shirley MacClaine

 Haven't I seen this shit before...

Sikhism

 Leave our shit alone.

Simpson, Bart

I will not say 'Shit Happened' in the class.

Smith, Michael Valentine

 Shit groks

Snake

 If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.

Social Scientist

 Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Socialism

 If shit happens, let's distribute it equally.

Socialism

 The same shit happens to everyone.

Socrates

 What is shit? Why is shit?

Solipsism

 Shit happens because I wish it.

Southern Baptist

 Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Spam

 Spam happens.

Statistician

 There is an 83.7 % chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Stoicism

 This shit doesn't bother me.

Stoicism

 This shit happening is good for me.

SubGenius

 Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.

Superconductivism

 Below the critical temperature, shit does not stop happening.

Sufism

 The wise man never notices shit happening.

Sureshism

 You are all pieces of shit.

Surgeon

 Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Surrealism

 Purple shit happens near melting clocks.

Surrealism

 Fish.

Tabloid Sensationalism

 Green shit from Mars happens to Elvis clone.

Taoism

 Shit happens.

Televangelism

 Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...

Terrorism

 Shit will happen unless you do as I say.

Thales

 Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

Theosophy

 You don't know half of the shit that happens.

Thoreau

 I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.

Twelve Step

 Shit happens one day at a time.

Twelve-Step

 I am powerless to cut the shit.

Union leader

 Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Unitarian

 Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another. 

Unitarianism

 Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.

Unitarianism

 Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

Unitarianism

 It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.

Unitarianism

 We affirm the right for shit to happen.

Unitarianism

 What is this Shit?

Unitarianism

 Come let us reason together about this shit. 

UNIX

 Shit dumped.

Utopianism

 This shit does not stink. 

VAX/VMS

 No Privilege for attempted shit.

Vegetarianism

 If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

Voodoo

 Hey, that shit looks just like you!

Voodoo

 Let's stick some pins in this shit!

Voodoo

 Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.

Voodoo

 This shit's gonna get you!

Waitress

 You want fries with that shit?

Wan, Obi

 Use your shit, Luke.

Washington

 I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.

Wicca

 Mix this shit together and make it happen!

Wicca

 If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.

Wicca

 The Goddess makes shit happen.

Windows

 The same shit as DOS, only GUIer...

Witchcraft

 Mix this shit together and it will happen!

Yuppie Shit

 It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?

Zen

 What is the sound of one shit happening?

Zoroastrianism

 Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.

Zoroastrianism

 Shit happens half the time.

Taoism

 Shit happens.